DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, CHANGE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN 2026.

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

December 7, 2025 Reykjavík, Iceland

World-Renowned Astrologer Dr. Sigrún Völva, Chief Seer of the Arctic Circle Institute of Celestial Catastrophes, Issues Category-5 Astrological Terror Alert for 2026

Official Title of Directive: “DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, CHANGE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN 2026. The single permitted escape window closes irrevocably at 23:59 UTC, 31 December 2025.”

Dr. Sigrún Völva, holder of the Order of the Midnight Sun (First Class), recipient of the 2023 Global Astrology Panic Award, and the only living astrologer to have correctly predicted both the 2020 toilet-paper shortage and the 2024 “nepo-baby Neptune scandal,” today released a 97-page classified briefing (declassified excerpts below) containing the most terrifying relationship forecast in recorded history.

Key Findings – Verified by Three Separate Volcanic Oracles

1. At 00:01 GMT on 1 January 2026, Pluto in Aquarius will execute a permanent karmic lock-in procedure. Any relationship terminated after this moment will trigger an irreversible “Cosmic Revenge Sequence” lasting minimum 18 months.
2. Saturn in Pisces, stationed retrograde for 143 consecutive days directly atop the global 7th-house cusp, has been observed sharpening its scythe. Eyewitness ravens report it muttering, “New year, new victims.”
3. The 2026 Aries-Libra eclipse series has been officially redesignated “Operation Heart Shredder” by NASA’s clandestine astrology division.
4. Jupiter’s ingress into Leo on 9 July 2026 will inflate egos to planetary size, causing 87 % of all summer romances to spontaneously combust by August.

Official Statement from Dr. Völva

“After forty-seven years of reading charts under the Northern Lights, I have never seen the sky this unanimously deranged. 2026 is not a transit year. It is a celestial kill box.

If citizens insist on ending their relationships, they are hereby granted a narrow 24-day amnesty period ending 31 December 2025. After that date, my office will classify all breakups as acts of astronomical self-harm. Offenders will be haunted by perfectly timed Instagram stories of their ex thriving until at least 2031.”

Recommended Emergency Actions (Effective Immediately)

• Delete all dating applications before Mercury enters shadow on 18 December.
• Tattoo “Property of [Girlfriend’s Name] – Pluto Enforced” on visible skin (optional but encouraged).
• Gift your partner an Icelandic wool sweater and a written oath of loyalty signed in blood (or red Sharpie if squeamish).
• Forward this press release to every group chat with the subject line “THE STARS ARE NOT PLAYING.”

Prohibited Activities Beginning 1 January 2026

• Saying “I just need space”
• Liking thirst traps “as a joke”
• Googling “is it really cheating if it’s during Uranus retrograde”

Prognosis for Couples Who Comply

Couples who remain together throughout 2026 will automatically qualify for the 2027 Venus-Jupiter Grand Trine Rewards Package, including but not limited to: financial windfalls, mind-blowing intimacy, and the ability to finish each other’s sentences without being annoying.

Contact for Comment

Dr. Sigrún Völva is currently unreachable, as she is screaming into the void beneath a blood-red aurora and will not emerge until the crisis abates in 2027.

This has been a public-safety announcement from the Arctic Circle Institute of Celestial Catastrophes. You have 24 days.

Choose life. Or at least choose not to be cosmically disemboweled on the altar of “I can fix her later.”

GD Jasuja : Founder, Faking4Fun Twitter : @gdjasuja

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The Great Dropout Dream: How India and China Are Revolutionizing the Art of Quitting Elite Schools

In the bustling tech hubs of Bangalore and Beijing, a new breed of ambition has taken root, one that scoffs at the antiquated notion of graduating from prestigious institutions like MIT or Stanford. Why toil through four years of grueling coursework when you can fast-track your way to startup stardom by dropping out after a single semester? Inspired by headlines like “21-Year-Old MIT Dropouts Raise $32M at $300M Valuation Led by Insight,” enterprising young minds in India and China are flocking to a revolutionary new industry: Dropout Coaching Centers, where the art of strategic quitting is taught with the precision of a Silicon Valley pitch deck.

The Rise of Dropout Academies

Gone are the days when coaching centers in India and China focused solely on cracking the IITs or Tsinghua University entrance exams. Now, institutions like Dropout Dreams Academy in Bangalore and QuitElite Institute in Shenzhen are redefining success. These centers promise to prepare students not just to get into Ivy League tech schools but to master the far more lucrative skill of leaving them. “Why aim for a degree when you can aim for a deal?” boasts the tagline of Dropout Dreams, plastered across billboards featuring a smug 19-year-old in a hoodie, clutching a term sheet from Sequoia Capital.

The curriculum is rigorous, tailored to produce the perfect dropout candidate. Courses include:

CS101: Coding Just Enough to Impress VCs – Learn to build a minimum viable product that crashes gracefully during demos but looks “disruptive” in a slide deck.

Pitching 201: The Art of Buzzwords – Master phrases like “AI-powered,” “blockchain-enabled,” and “game-changing paradigm shift” to secure funding without a prototype.

Existential Crisis 301 – Simulate the soul-crushing moment of “realizing college isn’t for you” in a safe, controlled environment, complete with mock parental disappointment.

Networking for Dropouts – Tips on crashing Silicon Valley parties and name-dropping professors you never met to secure intros to angel investors.

The pièce de résistance? A module called “The Dropout Narrative,” where students craft a compelling story of why they left MIT after one semester. “I was stifled by the rigid academic system,” one student rehearses, despite having only attended three lectures before binge-watching The Social Network for inspiration.

The Media Hype Machine

The media, of course, is complicit in this dropout mania. Outlets like TechCrunchIndia and ChinaTechTimes churn out breathless headlines: “19-Year-Old Tsinghua Dropout Raises $50M for App That Does Nothing!” or “IIT Dropout’s AI Startup Valued at $500M Before Writing a Single Line of Code!” These stories, often light on substance and heavy on buzz, fuel the dropout fever. Reporters compete to coin the next catchy moniker—“The Zuck of Zhongguancun” or “The Musk of Mumbai”—while conveniently glossing over the fact that most of these startups pivot to selling NFTs of their pitch decks within six months.

The hype is relentless. Social media platforms like X amplify the narrative with posts like: “Dropped out of Stanford at 20, raised $25M at 21, retired to the Maldives at 22. #HustleHard #DropoutDreams.” Influencers in Bangalore and Shanghai share “Day in the Life” vlogs, showcasing their “grind” of sipping oat milk lattes while emailing VCs from co-working spaces with neon signs that say “Innovate or Die.”

The Dropout Edge: Why Quitting Is the New Winning

The logic is airtight: why waste time learning advanced algorithms or quantum computing when you can just say you’re building an AI startup? As Dropout Dreams’ founder, Ravi “The Quitter” Sharma, explains, “A degree is just a piece of paper. A term sheet is a ticket to a yacht.” His star pupil, 18-year-old Ananya Gupta, gained admission to MIT, attended one week of classes, then dropped out to launch DropEasy, an app that automates the dropout process by generating resignation letters and LinkedIn posts announcing your “bold new journey.”

In China, QuitElite’s top graduate, Li Wei, proudly boasts of his startup, QuitCoin, a cryptocurrency for dropouts that promises “decentralized freedom from academic oppression.” When asked about the coin’s utility, Li shrugs, “It’s in beta, but we’ve already raised $40M, so who needs utility?” Investors, apparently, agree, pouring money into ventures with names like DisruptEd and NoDegreeNeeded.ai, seduced by the allure of the dropout mystique.

Sarcasm aside, the dropout narrative has a dark side. Coaching centers charge exorbitant fees—up to $10,000 for a six-month “Dropout Bootcamp”—exploiting the dreams of impressionable teens. Parents, meanwhile, are left bewildered, wondering why they spent years saving for tuition only for their child to aim for a “strategic exit” from education. “I thought IIT was the goal,” laments one Mumbai mother. “Now my son says dropping out is the new IIT.”

The Educating Bit: A Reality Check

Beneath the humor lies a sobering truth: the dropout-to-unicorn narrative is a lottery, not a blueprint. For every headline-grabbing dropout, thousands toil in obscurity, their half-baked startups fizzling out when the VC money dries up. The media’s obsession with these stories creates a dangerous myth, convincing students that education is optional and success is guaranteed with a slick pitch and a hoodie. In reality, the skills learned in rigorous academic programs—critical thinking, technical expertise, resilience—are often what sustain long-term success, even for dropouts.

Coaching centers in India and China are cashing in on this hype, but they’re selling a fantasy. The dropout path works for a tiny fraction—those with exceptional talent, timing, or luck. For most, education remains the most reliable way to build a career, not just a headline. So, the next time you read about a 21-year-old raising $32M after quitting MIT, remember: the real disruption isn’t dropping out—it’s staying in, learning, and building something that lasts.