DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, CHANGE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN 2026.

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

December 7, 2025 Reykjavík, Iceland

World-Renowned Astrologer Dr. Sigrún Völva, Chief Seer of the Arctic Circle Institute of Celestial Catastrophes, Issues Category-5 Astrological Terror Alert for 2026

Official Title of Directive: “DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, CHANGE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN 2026. The single permitted escape window closes irrevocably at 23:59 UTC, 31 December 2025.”

Dr. Sigrún Völva, holder of the Order of the Midnight Sun (First Class), recipient of the 2023 Global Astrology Panic Award, and the only living astrologer to have correctly predicted both the 2020 toilet-paper shortage and the 2024 “nepo-baby Neptune scandal,” today released a 97-page classified briefing (declassified excerpts below) containing the most terrifying relationship forecast in recorded history.

Key Findings – Verified by Three Separate Volcanic Oracles

1. At 00:01 GMT on 1 January 2026, Pluto in Aquarius will execute a permanent karmic lock-in procedure. Any relationship terminated after this moment will trigger an irreversible “Cosmic Revenge Sequence” lasting minimum 18 months.
2. Saturn in Pisces, stationed retrograde for 143 consecutive days directly atop the global 7th-house cusp, has been observed sharpening its scythe. Eyewitness ravens report it muttering, “New year, new victims.”
3. The 2026 Aries-Libra eclipse series has been officially redesignated “Operation Heart Shredder” by NASA’s clandestine astrology division.
4. Jupiter’s ingress into Leo on 9 July 2026 will inflate egos to planetary size, causing 87 % of all summer romances to spontaneously combust by August.

Official Statement from Dr. Völva

“After forty-seven years of reading charts under the Northern Lights, I have never seen the sky this unanimously deranged. 2026 is not a transit year. It is a celestial kill box.

If citizens insist on ending their relationships, they are hereby granted a narrow 24-day amnesty period ending 31 December 2025. After that date, my office will classify all breakups as acts of astronomical self-harm. Offenders will be haunted by perfectly timed Instagram stories of their ex thriving until at least 2031.”

Recommended Emergency Actions (Effective Immediately)

• Delete all dating applications before Mercury enters shadow on 18 December.
• Tattoo “Property of [Girlfriend’s Name] – Pluto Enforced” on visible skin (optional but encouraged).
• Gift your partner an Icelandic wool sweater and a written oath of loyalty signed in blood (or red Sharpie if squeamish).
• Forward this press release to every group chat with the subject line “THE STARS ARE NOT PLAYING.”

Prohibited Activities Beginning 1 January 2026

• Saying “I just need space”
• Liking thirst traps “as a joke”
• Googling “is it really cheating if it’s during Uranus retrograde”

Prognosis for Couples Who Comply

Couples who remain together throughout 2026 will automatically qualify for the 2027 Venus-Jupiter Grand Trine Rewards Package, including but not limited to: financial windfalls, mind-blowing intimacy, and the ability to finish each other’s sentences without being annoying.

Contact for Comment

Dr. Sigrún Völva is currently unreachable, as she is screaming into the void beneath a blood-red aurora and will not emerge until the crisis abates in 2027.

This has been a public-safety announcement from the Arctic Circle Institute of Celestial Catastrophes. You have 24 days.

Choose life. Or at least choose not to be cosmically disemboweled on the altar of “I can fix her later.”

GD Jasuja : Founder, Faking4Fun Twitter : @gdjasuja

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